$20k Challengers

Righto kids, a couple of weeks ago I set out with the grand idea of getting you suckers to come up with a new Mutantmobile for under twenty large.

Of course those that follow the comments will know that the response was overwhelming, except only two of those comments actually bothered to mention a car I could buy. True to my word I’ve decided to revisit those suggestions to either praise em up or shoot em down.

I also came up with a winner, the perfect fit for me and my busy lifestyle, or some wank like that.

First of all Jen suggested I should get something red, but Freddy countered that be recommending something green. Victor though I’d look good in a tram, Tom put forth the idea of something with enough room in the back for, um, vigorous pursuits. Kate loves her Mazdas and though I’d look hot in a Mazda3 like hers.

Andy has way too much time on his hands and hasn’t made the decision making process any easier by throwing a few more cars my way to take into consideration, First on Andy’s list is the unltimate rice-racer-fully-sik-boyz R33 Skyline GTS-T running a GTR V-spec engine.

I have the utmost respect for Skylines, the fucking things are giant killers. Essentially a reasonably low-weight coupe packed to the gills with an almost indestructible engine and able to handle insane amounts of boost through the engine and driveline. However, they have a certain stereotype that buys them, if you’ve seen The Fast And The Furious then you’ll know what I mean, plus I lack the patience to put up with the headfuck that is trying to obtain parts for a car which was never officially sold in this country.

Obviously Andy is something of a Nissan fetishist as next on the list is an 03 V35 skyline. Looking at the equipment list it certainly ticks most of the boxes, leather trim, climate control, Bose audio, DVD/TV tuner with sat nav and a 3.5 litre V6.

Not so handy however is the attached CVT transmission which would infuriate the fuck out of me, plus the fact the DVD player and sat nav would most likely be useless in Australia due to the region and mapping differences between Australia and Japan. Read the above imported vehicle diatribe for further details. Although it does come in a choice of sedan or coupe.

Of course if Andy figures I’ve got a shred of class he’d suggest something a bit more prestigious, like the BMW 735iL on his list. This is more my style, it’s a big fat limo, the cream of the BMW crop and perfect compensation for my tiny dick.

Inside there’s electric everything and leather galore. Of course the other side of the coin is that parts for the fuckers cost a bomb, that’s okay though because I’ve got plenty of aftermarket contacts. Sadly in Australia the terrain is just a little too harsh for the autobahn-spoilt Beemers, which means it won’t take long before costly brake, suspension and electrical components have rattle to pieces or wilted in the heat.

Still with the prestige Euros though and the Mercedes Benz C200K coupe was mentioned. Yes it’s a Merc, yes its rear wheel drive. The end. Andy, seriously what were you thinking? For starters I’m not a fucking hair-dresser, secondly have you ever seen one of these? I mean really?

It looks like a lizard that’s dropped its bloody tail and as a result the handling is up to shit thanks to a weight balance that is all front no rear. On the other hand the quality thing is pretty well sorted. Mercs only ever shit out expensive stuff, but I’m sure you’ll put your hand up for the $5000 every couple of years to keep it running, right Andy?

The most ace selection if the list though was an Alfa Romeo 156. Specifically mentioned was the manual as the selespeed robotized manuals have a habit or shredding clutches and destroying selector pumps every 6000 kilometres or 7 months, whichever comes first. They say to be a true car nut you have to have owned an Italian car. I say bullshit. That just makes you truly nuts.

An Italian car lures you in with seductive looks and styling to make you weak at the knees, by the end of it though you’ll be a poor man, lacking in sanity and most of your hair as problem after problem springs up with the electrics, oil leaks sprout from places never deemed possible and trim bits fade and crumble right before your eyes. They are damn sexy though.

Finally we have the Forester XT – by means of full disclosure Andy owns one of these which means to maintain out friendship I’ll heed my mother’s advice about saying nothing when you have nothing nice to say.

The hands down winner though was Celesticles who came up with this:

And said: Hey Kez, I think this car would be perfect for you! Its small enough to fit into those annoyingly 'too small' parks right out the front of the shops. Its white paint makes it classy and stylish, and its retro as hell, which I know presses your buttons. Modifications, well, you could really do anything with it, its so versatile, but im thinking some low profiles, new coat of paint, new engine, anything really. Your best bet would be to save the money in case something goes terribly wrong.... But, if you do get this car, you certainly will be turning heads... but maybe only because you have broken down in busy intersection...

Celeste, you get the gold star darling because you’ve combined my love of Eastern Bloc remnants with a desire to learn creative engineering solutions (thanks to a regular scheduled breakdowns) AND with enough money in the budget to go nuts with a full array of mods like fluffy dice, illuminated washer jets and maybe even a subwoofer! AWESOME!