I'm At That Light Up A Smoke Then Go To Sleep Stage

You know how sometimes you just have the most incredible sex which leaves every single part of your body electrified. The kind of orgasm that shakes you from head to toe. An experience which leaves you breathless and giddy and wanting so much more.

I just had that experience, with no sex (and no messy fluids to mop up afterwards). So what does it take to give a mutant multiple orgasms?

Well, I could tell you but I’d rather you put in the hard yards and discover for yourself! It’s much more fun that way. Then again I could just come clean and tell you.

If you want me to quake from sheer enjoyment you need to strike a delicate combination between the following:
-Slutty outfits.
-Broken English.
-Cheesy pop music.
-Lights.
-Colours.
-Wind machines.
-Fake Tan.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know I’m still in full ‘squee’ mode thanks to Eurovision. I know some of you haters, well, hate it. But the thing about it is, it isn’t any good, and that’s what makes it so bloody great.

The choreography is often woeful. The songs are basic as hell. The costumes are frightening and for that reason it is gold! I know you’re not supposed to rag the contest in front of Europeans so I apologise to my Euro readers.

By now I think I can safely reveal that the winner was Norway’s Alexander Rybak. Not hard to see why he won, he had pretty blondes “la la la-ing” and some nice looking back up dancers, plus with all the flirting he was doing with the camera I felt like I should’ve asked what he’d like for breakfast in the next morning. His final score was 387 points which put him a whopping 169 points ahead of Yohanna from Iceland who performed some truly terrible ballady thing which was decribed as “three minutes of pop perfection” I wanted to hang myself each time I heard it.

Anyway, enough of the bad shit, I know you want to know what The Mutant fell in love with. Well, long term followers will know that I have a total soft spot for two countries: Ukraine and Turkey, and they certainly didn’t disappoint this year either.

First up I give you Hadise from Turkey with Düm Tek Tek – I challenge you not to get it stuck in your head!

Then there is Svetlana Loboda from Ukraine with Be My Valentine (Anti-Crisis Girl) – I mean could this bitch get any filthier if she tried, and those boys, phwoar!



Yeah you’re totally getting it now, huh? On top of that you may want to look at… Oh fuck it, I actually think you should watch the whole bloody thing. By the time I scour YouTube looking for links we could be here for days.

So the only other thing you need to know is a real, grown-up performer with real, grown-up credibility did incredible things for France:



And of course everyone on the planet seems to be in love with this boy:



“I love you Europe, Thank you for loving me!” Yeah and um, just so you know It'll take me months to come down from this high, and I'll be re-watching those clips for weeks on end. I've already ordered the fan book which is on its way out of Europe as we speak! Should only cost me about $90 by the time it lands too - bargain!