I Love It When You Say 'Crap-fest'

Okay, so for those who've seen Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen you'll know exactly what this blog heading means. I hope.

After what seems like an eternity I finally got to see the new Transformers flick. I know, I know, the film itself has only been out for a few days, but I'm one of those sad cases who has been feathering my throttle for a sequel right from the point there the closing credits started to roll on the first film.

I'm not going to do the whole spoiler thing, but let me dot-point the fuck out of this shit in order to save you and I a lot of time:

• Robo-warfare doesn't get much better than this.
• The whole film is a HUGE showcase for GM (BC, that is 'Before Chapter 11').
• That may not sound positive but it is.
• Megan's Box and Shea LeDouche do look pretty hot on screen.
• Decepticons and Autobots look way hotter though.

Okay so in case you couldn't tell they were the positives, but unlike the first installment which was almost flawless this one deserves some harsh criticism:

• It takes half an hour too long for anything decent to happen.
• The love story does NOT need to be there, but I guess it keeps girlfriends interested.
• Why are the Chevrolet Beat and Trax so heavily featured and the Corvette Concept and Volt almost ignored?
• What is the deal with all the important plot points that make a mockery of the first film?
• Slapstick is great in a film like this when used sparingly, Michael Bay, take note: this was not sparing use of slapstick.
• What's the deal with the sudden drop in CGI quality for the ten minute period towards the end?

So, knowing these limitations you should have a grand old time. Melbourne it seems is gripped by Revenge Of The Fallen mayhem as very few cinemas had tickets available. The Coburg Drive-In however was the venue of choice and arriving an hour early meant only lining up for tickets for about 20 minutes... Score.

Now if you're going to see a car-based film at the drive in its best to go in either a car with awesome 5.1 channel sound, or something muscled up, hardcore and butch as fuck.

I went in a BF Falcon wagon. That is not a good start, to make it worse it was e-gas powered which takes any potential fury and replaces it with the smell of barbeque fuel. The stereo is not really what you'd call grand but at least the cargo bay is huge, or it would be if the spare wasn't mounted inside the car thanks to the gas tank living in the spare wheel well.

Never-to-mind though, I like my rides to come with excitement so when the cargo barrier decided to let go and crash awkwardly against the drivers seat you can bet your arse I was excited.

Anyway enough of that nonsense. I'd like to take a serious moment with y'all if I may. *Stands up* My name is The Mutton-chopped Mutant and I'm becoming a lard-arse.

...

...

...

Awww, you pack of cunts, that's the point where you're supposed to applaud my ability to confront my problems head on, haven't you ever been to an AA meeting? No? Oh, that'd just be me then.

Okay so these mornings when I get out of the shower I'm confronted by the reflection of a man with a hefty gut hanging off the front of him. I've looked around but I can't see anyone else in the bathroom with me so it must be me stacking on the poundage.

Being the pro-active individual I am, I've taken steps to counter-act this shit before I turn into a walking Big Mac Meal. Since Thursday evening I've been lacing up my runners and... wait for it... running.

Now I'd like to explain that I'm a smoker with an aversion to any physical activity outside the bedroom, this means I usually make it three doors down from my house before I'm grunting like a convulsing pig with sweat pouring from my every orifice. Attractive, wouldn't you say?

This has to be overcome though and drastic times call for drastic measures. My goal at the end of this is to look like the emaciated young tyke I was in high school, but to have also gained five kilograms, replacing my jiggling largeness with refined, powerful muscle.

Pretty ambitious huh? I've got this awesome running schedule all worked out and I'm throwing in 25 sit ups, 25 push ups and 25 girlie push ups (from the knees) as a starting regime which will be built up over time. To prove I'm fucking delirious I also walked from Carlton to Collingwood back to Carlton then rode my bike from Carlton to Abbotsford and around Princes Park.

I know, right? In, like, a matter of days I should have thighs like a hungarian shot-putter. So, who wants to join me for a jog some time? Any takers? At all? Argh, fuck the lot of you!